Creepy Crawly Store (Explicit Lyrics ahead)

The minions and I took a trip to the odd pet store today to get some crickets for a science experiment. I guess there is a way to tell the air temperature by counting how many chirps a cricket makes a minute, then adding forty. Keep in mind I hate spiders and snakes. Now I can handle Garter snakes, Big Daddy Longlegs, your typical garden variety creepy-crawly...but you throw in eight foot Boa Constrictors, Monitors, Scorpions (The big ones), Rats, and tarantulas...then I'm a big pussy. Yes, I'll admit in front of God and everyone, I'm a big pussy when it comes to the above described 'pets'.

Mrs. Molly was kind of teasing me, saying we should get a tarantula....I informed her that it would be a waste of money, because I would kill it before it ever hit the countertop.

When I was around fourteen, I used to hang out with Kelli and Kristi, they lived right up the hill from us, and we were right around the same age. We're sitting at the dining room table at the girl's house, playing Rummy, when their Dad placed a Tarantula skin on my shoulder. I flipped the fuck out, I bounced right out of the chair, out of the room, and out of the house. I knew they had one of those spiders, what I didn't know? That the damn things shed like a snake.

Ever since then........I have been deathly afraid.

I braved the store, and we got our crickets. The kids started in on me about the spiders. Their razzing didn't go for long, because I picked up a little styrofoam container with a great big tarantula in it, and waved it in THEIR faces. They shut up right away, excepts for the screams. I was brave for a minute......but my ass was puckered so tight, I ripped a hole in my boxer briefs.