Regrets?
I was listening to a local radio station on my home from work today. The subject was brought up of past regrets. The show wanted to know (and had shared their own) the one thing you regret most in your life.
I have several regrets, stuff that I have carried within for a long time. Some of my regrets are recent, but there is stuff that continues to haunt me from my past.
In 1981 I was a sixth grader, it was at the height of the Iranian Hostage Crisis. One of my classmates was an Iranian boy. For some reason I used to ask him 'How's the Ayatollah doing?' It used to get under his skin, and we would almost come to blows over it.- Mark S. I'm sorry that I was such an ignorant, mean spirited little prick. I don't know if it still affects you or not, but it weighs heavy on my heart that I harassed you.
In 1979-80 I was a fifth grader, one day we were playing on this piece of playground equipment that looked like a train. It was red, had metal wheels, and was basically monkey bars that looked cool. One day while playing on the train, one of the kids knocked me onto a steel platform. I don't know if it was deliberate or not, but it knocked the wind out of me. I spent several hours in the Nurses office under observation, because there was a mark next to my spine where a piece of raised metal was my landing point. I found out later that a boy named James was the one that caused my fall. We eventually ended up in a schoolyard fight after school. James and I were pretty evenly matched, but a friend of my Aunt came running and broke up the fight. As we were being separated I called James the 'N' word. That was the first, and last time I had ever called anyone that. I guess I said that because I had the adrenaline running, I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt James. That was also the last fight I was ever in. -James please forgive me for calling you a hateful name. You did not deserve it, I have wanted to apologize to you for saying that since the day after it happened. (We went to separate schools within the same district soon after, I never saw James again.)
Next month will be three years since I cheated on my wife. We were having some really rough times. Neither one of us were feeling loved by the other. We were fighting everyday, and nothing was being resolved. To make what I did all the more heinous, my wife was pregnant with our fourth child at the time. I had moved out in to various hotels. I was talking/writing to different women on the internet. I started looking at these women because I was actually looking for a woman for a co-worker. It turned out that several of them had the same interests, as me. Once we started talking I was hearing compliments, and just about everything I wanted to hear. I ended up getting a hotel room with a woman, after several drinks I had sex with her. I immediately felt guilt. Not only for what I did to my wife, but for what I did to my children. There is more to this story, that I'd rather not get into right now. But I will say that I didn't make it to my son's moment of birth. In fact I was right outside the room when it happened. That was the day I went back. I haven't done anything like that since. I also don't ever want to do that again. Our lives have really spun out of control since I came clean to her a month after I came back. I hurt her so bad. To this day it affects our relationship. No matter what I say or do, that still hangs over us like a black cloud.
-Mrs Molly, I have told you many times how sorry I am for hurting you so bad. I am very lucky that you let me back in after what I put you through. I promised, and continue to promise my devotion to you and our family. I know I have broken that trust we had between us. I know it's hard for you to believe me, but what I tell you is the truth. I have no desire, or inclination to ever commit another relationship outside the bounds of our marriage. I love you Mrs. Molly.
To go back to my first two regrets for a second. I am not a racist person. I don't think I was then either. If anything I was ignorant. I was ignorant that such words carried such a stigma that they could possibly affect a person for the rest of their life. Even if the word said didn't affect the intended victim, they still affected me. Because to this day, I think of the hurtful words I hurled at these two boys, and to this day I still feel the guilt. Do you have any regrets?
I have several regrets, stuff that I have carried within for a long time. Some of my regrets are recent, but there is stuff that continues to haunt me from my past.
In 1981 I was a sixth grader, it was at the height of the Iranian Hostage Crisis. One of my classmates was an Iranian boy. For some reason I used to ask him 'How's the Ayatollah doing?' It used to get under his skin, and we would almost come to blows over it.- Mark S. I'm sorry that I was such an ignorant, mean spirited little prick. I don't know if it still affects you or not, but it weighs heavy on my heart that I harassed you.
In 1979-80 I was a fifth grader, one day we were playing on this piece of playground equipment that looked like a train. It was red, had metal wheels, and was basically monkey bars that looked cool. One day while playing on the train, one of the kids knocked me onto a steel platform. I don't know if it was deliberate or not, but it knocked the wind out of me. I spent several hours in the Nurses office under observation, because there was a mark next to my spine where a piece of raised metal was my landing point. I found out later that a boy named James was the one that caused my fall. We eventually ended up in a schoolyard fight after school. James and I were pretty evenly matched, but a friend of my Aunt came running and broke up the fight. As we were being separated I called James the 'N' word. That was the first, and last time I had ever called anyone that. I guess I said that because I had the adrenaline running, I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt James. That was also the last fight I was ever in. -James please forgive me for calling you a hateful name. You did not deserve it, I have wanted to apologize to you for saying that since the day after it happened. (We went to separate schools within the same district soon after, I never saw James again.)
Next month will be three years since I cheated on my wife. We were having some really rough times. Neither one of us were feeling loved by the other. We were fighting everyday, and nothing was being resolved. To make what I did all the more heinous, my wife was pregnant with our fourth child at the time. I had moved out in to various hotels. I was talking/writing to different women on the internet. I started looking at these women because I was actually looking for a woman for a co-worker. It turned out that several of them had the same interests, as me. Once we started talking I was hearing compliments, and just about everything I wanted to hear. I ended up getting a hotel room with a woman, after several drinks I had sex with her. I immediately felt guilt. Not only for what I did to my wife, but for what I did to my children. There is more to this story, that I'd rather not get into right now. But I will say that I didn't make it to my son's moment of birth. In fact I was right outside the room when it happened. That was the day I went back. I haven't done anything like that since. I also don't ever want to do that again. Our lives have really spun out of control since I came clean to her a month after I came back. I hurt her so bad. To this day it affects our relationship. No matter what I say or do, that still hangs over us like a black cloud.
-Mrs Molly, I have told you many times how sorry I am for hurting you so bad. I am very lucky that you let me back in after what I put you through. I promised, and continue to promise my devotion to you and our family. I know I have broken that trust we had between us. I know it's hard for you to believe me, but what I tell you is the truth. I have no desire, or inclination to ever commit another relationship outside the bounds of our marriage. I love you Mrs. Molly.
To go back to my first two regrets for a second. I am not a racist person. I don't think I was then either. If anything I was ignorant. I was ignorant that such words carried such a stigma that they could possibly affect a person for the rest of their life. Even if the word said didn't affect the intended victim, they still affected me. Because to this day, I think of the hurtful words I hurled at these two boys, and to this day I still feel the guilt. Do you have any regrets?
posted by Tall Molly Man at 10:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home